sorry what was i saying?, things midults need, necessary

Things Midults need

Obviously we have an infinite number of needs ranging from private islands to comfortable bras. But we have to start somewhere.

1. A device that reminds you of your train of thought

You were saying something, it had import, you were on fire, you were mid-flow and now you’re hanging, panicking, sweating, waiting, praying, blushing, wondering if you’ll be able to pick it up and get away with this or… “Sorry, I’ve completely forgotten what I was saying.” Does not inspire confidence.

2. Yoga without any of the zen

Imagine a yoga class with no stupid names, no spiritual stuff, no teachers who sing or gong or bell. No banging of any kind of drum literally or metaphorically. Because this is not about zen. Zen left the building a long time ago. This is about future-proofing. You know, still be able to tie your own shoelaces.

3.  A voicemail app that automatically deletes voicemail messages but also sends an alert to the person who left it saying, “This has been deleted without being listened to”

No one knows exactly the moment was when a voicemail became stressful – the digital equivalent of ‘We need to talk’ – but it happened. Imagine getting a voicemail on your landline? HORROR FILM. One day, our children’s children will hear tales of voicemail and they will shudder in their beds.

4. A natural remedy that stops you constantly needing to pee

Every Midult knows your desire to pee is tripled under circumstances when not peeing would really help your professional life, your sex life and your social life – the theatre/on a long walk/wearing a jumpsuit/dinner date. Why is it that when you have all the freedom you need in order to pee to you bladder’s content, you suddenly don’t need to pee? Who is in charge of these things?

5. A queue predictor

It shouldn’t be true, but it is: picking the wrong queue can turn you towards the dark side. Because you blame yourself. If, however, you had some kind of device that could generate the highest probability of which queue was going to decrease the quickest, at least you could blame the maths and not your own bad judgement if things went wrong. Altogether less punishing.

6. A Narnia nap cupboard

Just let me slip into this cupboard and sleep for an hour/two hours/as many hours as I need, but thanks to some really smart physics (looking at you – Stephen Hawking. *googles top female physicist* Looking at you Lisa Randall) you can nip into this handy space, sleep, come out fully refreshed and only seconds will have passed. No one will ever know. That you just napped your heart out.

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