wicked witch, snow white, ugly, significantly more ugly, appearances, looks

Things that make us ‘significantly more ugly’

In addition to shortening our lives and making us depressed and deranged, according to new research, perpetual lack of sleep can also make us ‘significantly more ugly’. Thanks for that, you bastards. Why stop at sleep while you’re about it?

1. Full moon

Sleep deprivation is one thing. At full moon you go from tired-mad to tired-mad-dangerous-I don’t know why I’m so angry-I want to blow up a school bus-nothing will ever be OK-insanity. Imagine what that does to your face. Put it this way, nothing good. You’re just a thinly disguised werewolf. On second thoughts, you’re just a werewolf, there’s nothing thinly disguised about it. Go and growl at people in the street. You might as well.

2.  Hangovers

No one looks good on a hangover, admittedly, but the increased brutality of its effects become increasingly harder to disguise or laugh off. In addition to the raging headache and dehydration, you can now add that haunted, suspicious look of anxiety that comes with the development of paranoia – a scientifically proven hangover symptom. So, not only do you look terrible, it’s not funny and no amount of self-assurance will stop you feeling like you should not have said a single word all evening and must never mix with humans again. Urgh, be gone, rancid creature.

3. TV programmes about animals / Rom Coms / emotional power ballads from the 80s

Stop crying before someone sees your terrible swollen face and calls the police. “But Sophie the rabbit was taken to the vet’s to get her back leg fixed and she didn’t make it” / “La La Land is the most devastating film I have ever seen and I can’t get over that bit where they danced up into the sky” / “I used to laugh at my dad for loving Separate Lives by Phil Collins and Marilyn Martin, but that was before I realised this song is LITERALLY ABOUT MY WHOLE LIFE.”

4. Going sugar free

Look at those frown lines you have because you gave up sugar and are now miserable. What was the point of that? You’re exactly the same weight, except now you have a chocolate-deprived furrowed brow of extreme craving and who wants to hang out with someone with a face like a ploughed field?

5.  Not spending any money

You watched that dress you REALLY wanted come and go on Net A Porter and you denied yourself because your fridge has been making weird noises and you’re worried you might have to replace it. Now you have nothing new to wear to that party you don’t want to go to. You are a disgrace to Instagram. You’re wearing something TWICE on camera. Please leave now, badly dressed fool.

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