1. The painful truth
When you hurt yourself for the fifth time that day: as you shin the bed, elbow the wall, fall up the stairs, stub your toe, take a misstep on the pavement and do that thing when you jar your spine and it tingles down your leg.
2. Fine not fine
You were only over the parking limit by one second. You’d have to work for MI6 to decipher the parking restrictions in this area. And that sign that indicates that the speed limit goes down to 20 miles an hour is obscured by a tree. It’s all a trap.
Remember those three little boys in Hanson? They now have TWELVE CHILDREN between them *staggers back, knocking a chair over*
4. Are you invisible?
When you stand in the middle of a shop needing help and no one helps you and you think, ‘I have actual money to spend’ but they ignore you so you leave. Or when you wave at a waiter/bartender and… tumbleweed. Chopped liver.
5. The 1990 trap
1990 was nearly 30 years ago. Pretty Woman is nearly 30 years old. Vogue by Madonna came out nearly 30 years ago. Kylie Minogue and Michael Hutchence started going out nearly 30 years ago. LIFE IS GOING DOWN A WORM HOLE.
6. Driving fuckery
When you are driving and someone does something incredibly aggressive. Like cut you up. Or turn the music down.
7. Right of passage
You are in a hurry. You are always in a hurry. And there is the escalator with two people holding hands blocking the entire way. You have to break them up, destroy their togetherness, ruin the moment.
When someone takes the credit at work. You discuss, you brainstorm, you prepare, would wait for the perfect moment. And then some bloke goes, “So I was thinking we should… [your idea your idea your idea your idea]”
9. Death by bread
When you go to a restaurant and you order the kale and alfalfa salad and then the waiter asks if you want any bread and you say, “YES PLEASE” and then eat twice the amount of bread as the person you are with as you say, “I don’t actually eat bread.”
10. Licence to drill
WHEN DRILLING STARTS ANYWHERE.
11. Body conscious
When your body makes a weird noise, in a really important meeting and you are trying to sound like a credible human strategist machine but your thighs plumpf then squeak together as you sit down on the incredibly passive aggressive Mies Van Der Rohe chair and then your stomach starts to growl like a hibernating sloth of bears. And it’s only 10am.