dried flowers, disgusting, not pleasant, banned, not allowed, toilet, loo

Stuff that shouldn’t be in loos

We spend a lot of time in loos, don’t we? Sometimes hiding/Instagramming/giving ourselves a talking to, but mostly peeing. At times double-peeing (if you know, you know). So we know a thing or two about things that just shouldn’t be there.

Linen towels

So you bought them in a French marché and they are vintage and initialled. You have put them out for the dinner party (although you’d love everyone to believe that this is how you live) and after one use they are disgustingly smeared and crumpled. Wet dish rags hanging there saying, ‘Iron me’. Or rather, ‘Repasse-moi maintenant’. Shrugging gallicly at you.

Hand cream

Every now and again you think gosh I must moisturise my hands because you know, GNARLED CLAWS. And so you see some in a loo somewhere and use some. And you are thrilled, thinking of course that’s why there is always hand wash and matching hand cream, it is so civilised. Except you can’t open the door. And, when you finally escape, you pick up a glass which immediately slides back on to the table and then you have to wipe your hands on your new skirt which you don’t realise until later is dry clean only. And you remember why hand cream is evil.

Dried flowers

Is it time to have a conversation about these? There is something morbid and horrific about your crunchy dead granny flowers sitting on the shelf of your bathroom, absorbing all the… action. They have clearly been there for years. Enough.

Thoughtlessly placed mirrors

Is there anything more awful than closing a door, sitting down and suddenly catching sight of the horror that is you on the loo. Gollum crossed with Jabba The Hut. Quite hard to recover from this moment actually.

No phone signal

WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF GOING?

Framed motivational quotes

You know the ones that stare at you accusingly and make you feel crap about yourself: ‘Collect moments not things,’ they say, and you think, ‘Hold on I quite want those biker boots with the fake pearls so I can wade in fashion’s shallows pretending to be a pirate’. Or, ‘Fall seven times, stand up eight’ and you think, ‘Oh god but I am tired, so tired, all the women in me are tired’.

Books

Thumbed. Sweaty fingerprints. Unidentifiable stains. These are no longer OK. The ship has sailed.

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