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Stuff Midults do in secret

  1. Singing songs with totally invented lyrics: “We’re lost in Munich…Without a map. Feel so alive.”
  2. Improv edgy dance moves in front of the mirror – dabbing anyone? Can still do the running man? Yup, still got it.
  3. Hiding when the doorbell rings.
  4. Eating things like peanut butter on celery and hot chocolate mix straight from the tub while standing in the kitchen.
  5. Imagining heroic scenarios where you are a secret agent or being interviewed by Jenni Murray on Woman’s Hour: “I am glad you asked that, Jenni.”
  6. Talking to inanimate objects: shouting at the TV, telling the toaster it’s a c*** (because it IS).
  7. Taking selfies you never intend to share which are basically just checking out how weird your face is or what it does when you lie down. Also topless selfies. Just to see…
  8. Hiding money. Could be a secret account. Could be under the bed.
  9. Bad body stuff like picking feet, squeezing spots, plucking hairs. All while talking… for example to the chin hair: “Out you come, you little fucker.”
  10. Looking in the mirror while gently pulling cheekbones taut and thinking, “If I were Madonna, what would I do?”
  11. Suddenly standing up as though on a mission to call an Uber and go to Bali and never come back but really just going to get more chocolate and sitting back down on the sofa.
  12. Fantasising about your funeral and the things they’d say and who would cry for show and who would really cry.
  13. Trying on old, really sexy underwear. The stuff from another life.
  14. Talking to yourself in the third person. Using surnames: Pull yourself together, Rivkin. Come ON, McMeekan.
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