alexis colby, joan collins, dynasty, lap tray, things we want, old womany

Stuff we desperately want but fear will make us look ancient

  1. A shopping bag on wheels: First we surrendered to the backpack because our backs hurt but we are all Scandi these days so it’s OK. Now our Midult mind gravity keeps pulling us toward those pull-trolley things for shopping. But Dot Cotton.
  2. Intelligent keys: So we can shout, “Where the fuck are you?” and our keys can cheerfully reply, “Here in the fridge where you left us.” And also, ‘I love you’, ‘You are doing brilliantly’, ‘No one can see that spot’.
  3. A portable foam thing that dampens noise in restaurants: Because now if we do go out (*SCREAMS INTERNALLY*) we quite want to talk to people, without having to shout, “I’m sorry could you repeat that last part again.” Or, “Obviously I didn’t order a second bread basket, you must have misheard.”
  4. Towelling turban (perhaps with a button): Very Liz Taylor. For after the shower, for all those long meditative baths we never take, for taking off the make-up that makes us look human. On the beach? No? Sure? Okay.
  5. A dressing gown with buttons: What? But think about this: No belt so we are not restricted, tied up, restrained in any way, totally unconstricted. Free. Also can you throw in a really good sturdy pair of slippers? Thank you.
  6. Head torches: These are scary times. We need to be prepared. And also read the electricity meter. Or find a bit of the boiler. I am going to say ‘stopcock’ for fun. We need to root out our jumpers/boots for the next phase of the year. Next stop: Bunker.
  7. Lakeland gift vouchers: Last year, for Christmas, the Midult co-founders gave each other a fitted sheet and a bottle opener. This year it’s a frozen fruit maker and a water jug. Sexiness is all. Edginess. Relevance.
  8. Driving gloves: Because we will definitely need to murder someone at some point.
  9. Sponge baths: BEAR WITH US. Picture the scene: You are lying in bed/on sofa, falling asleep to Netflix, and you are smelly but you can’t be bothered to shower. And you think if only there was someone to just appear and give me a sponge bath and then I could sleep the blessed sleep of the clean. And no one would ever know.
  10. Interdental sticks: It’s a new thing, isn’t it? Everyone uses them now, right? Even teenagers. Tell that to yourself until you feel better.
  11. Laptray: Feet up, laptray. Not dribbling/crumbing on the cushions. Ooh… laptray. Yes, laptray.
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