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Stuff we are 105% sure of

1. Garlic bread wants to break you

Garlic bread is to ‘non-bread eaters’ what bacon is to vegetarians. The mere smell of garlic bread will see your resolve crushed to oblivion like a heel on a prawn cracker. Think of the melted butter and the garlic and the crusty crust of the bread and it’s all hot and amazing and you’re eating it with pasta in a double white carb horror story, but who cares because the garlic bread now owns your body and soul and what even is gluten anyway and no, you weren’t really committed to that diet, just hand over more of the garlic bread and cancel the holiday.

2. Panicking about death is normal (that escalated quickly)

It’s basically like being told that one day you will have to move house with no notice to an undisclosed location. On your own. With no forwarding address. No wonder we’re all worried.

3. Curly Wurlys are not as nice as they used to be

Why won’t anyone confront this brutal truth? They were fudgier and now they’re chewier, more toffee-ish and the chocolate falls off when you eat them. This is a secret conspiracy that no one talks about – like who killed JFK. Same for Pizza Express pizzas.

4. If you get a money fright, there’s another one in the post

It could be a leak in the ceiling caused by a rogue pipe. It could be that your tax maths was a little off. And suddenly you owe a few grand that you don’t have. And… you’ve found it, by doing some ninja bank moves. Phew. But suddenly the car has died, your phone has died, your TV has died, your laptop has died. You are surrounded by tech decay. And your teeth are falling out.

5. You will never find a dress on the day of the party

Yes, you are busy. Yes, two months ago you tried on a dress and you thought, ‘This is the perfect party dress and I will never find a dress like it again.’ But then you remembered everything that had just happened in Point 4 and thought, ‘It will be fine. My next party is in two months. I can find another.’ Day of the party comes around. Your bank account is balanced again. You have cash. You are as thin as you are going to be this week. Can you find a dress? *laughs hysterically*

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