melissa mccarthy, supermarket, id check, strange things that happen

Strange stuff that happens in supermarkets

  1. Self service checkout. It’s still like playing shops. So brilliant.
  2. OK, so you brought your own bag because you’re ethically sound and not prepared to pay 5p. Now you’re being told there’s an unexpected item in the bagging area. You have pressed the ‘I am using my own bag’ option. In spite of this, cannot proceed. You just said it was your own bag, what more does this machine want? Your bank details and the keys to your soul?
  3. Which queue do you choose? That woman is shouting at her children and is therefore distracted, but that man knows the checkout assistant and now they’re locked in a conversation about how often you should water a window box. You are going to have to make a choice soon. The wrong choice could push you over the edge.
  4. You’ve been queuing for ages because of the woman who is insisting on paying in coppers and coupons and it’s only when you finally get to the checkout that you remember you didn’t get any houmous and that’s the only reason you came here in the first place. Do you ask your beleaguered fellow queuers to wait while you sprint back to search for the bugger? Do you leave the queue, find the houmous and re-queue? Do you fuck the fucking houmous and leave without it? Do you suffer the fires of Hell trying to decide?
  5. Ah yes, need to buy three packets of avocados. Get home. Three packets of avocados already in the fridge. Oh. Hello guacamole.
  6. You’re in your tracksuit bottoms, no make-up, your worst hoodie, you haven’t brushed your teeth or had a shower yet, you’re hungover, listening to that Westlife song you secretly like loudly on your iPhone as you’re putting sanitary pads into your basket along with a box of fresh cream chocolate éclairs – and you bump into your ex.
  7. Instead of going onto autopilot buying the same things you buy week in, week out, you decide to shop for one new recipe. You end up spending three times what you normally do. And will you actually cook it? Let’s not pretend…
  8. You get asked for ID buying a bottle of wine. You know the checkout assistant is being sarcastic. You don’t care. You immediately post this story on social media. THRILLED.
  9. You walk past the fresh bread counter, inhaling. You send it private messages of love. If only things could have been different. If only you could be together.
  10. You still long for the frozen chocolate gateaux your mother would never allow you as a child. You still feel you’re not allowed it. In spite of being an independent adult with a mortgage, a car, a full sex life and your own company.
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