gravity, sandra bullock, stressed, panic, anxious

Strange stress behaviour

  1. Develop an eye twitch. Become obsessed with the fact that everyone can see your eye twitching. Start saying, “Did you see that? Did you? See? That? Just then? Just now?”
  2. Get that odd pins and needles feeling in your extremities. Often while driving. Are you having a heart attack? An anxiety attack? A panic attack? Or just plain, old-fashioned losing your fucking mind?
  3. Start compulsively pacing, up and down, up and down, hand on throat, hand on stomach as if a combination of perpetual movement and holding your innards in place together is going to calm you down. It isn’t.
  4. Abruptly stop and find a place to lie down. Anywhere. The supermarket. The airport. Past caring.
  5. Sigh loudly. You know that full body sigh. Through an O-shaped mouth. Every pore in your body is exhaling. HUGE pores. I hate my pores. And what is that thing on the side of nose?
  6. Examine self in the mirror, scrunching up face in all kinds of ways. Time how long it takes for face to return to normal. But hold on – what is normal? What does normal even look like? [surely not this]
  7. Book pedicure. Cancel pedicure. Book table for dinner. Cancel table. Book a flight. Get on flight. Never return. This didn’t happen.
  8. Start swearing at inanimate objects. Fridge beeps. “Fuck you.” And now I’ve forgotten why I’m in the kitchen? “Cunting hell, fuckhead kitchen.” Car too hot. “Bastard shitting piss off.”
  9. Try and find my zen. Where is my zen? Google a tonne of meditation apps and yoga apps. Download a minute’s meditation to do in the disabled loo. Do five minutes of an online yoga class. Zen is still missing.
  10. Begin sentences with ‘You know what..’, ‘What if I…?’, ‘You could be forgiven for thinking that…’ and don’t finish them. Instead just stare into the Midult distance. Everyone around you hates you right now.
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