russell crowe, water diviner, shouting, fallen down a well, screaming, in pain, angry

A spider bit my penis. Twice

Lightning doesn’t strike twice. Except when it does. Just ask ‘Jordan’, code name for an extremely unfortunate Australian man who, on Tuesday, was bitten by a venomous spider on the penis for the second time. Both times the nibblings occurred in a Portaloo (have you ever had a nibbling in a Portaloo? Perhaps. But not like this) on a building site ‘Jordan’ was working on.

Obviously the first nibble rather put ‘Jordan’ off the Portaloo but, having noticed that the facilities had just been cleaned, he figured it was safe to get back in the water. As it were. Turns out spiders enjoy a clean loo as much as the rest of us. He checked under the seats, took a deep breath and proceeded with the job in hand. “I was sitting on the toilet doing my business,” he told the BBC, “and just felt the sting that I felt the first time. I was like ‘I can’t believe it’s happened again.’ I looked down and saw a few little legs come up from around the rim.”

His colleagues felt less able to be sympathetic the second time around. In fact they were making jokes before he’d even limped to the car to get to the hospital. Turns out the culprit was a redback spider, closely related to the Black Widow spider and distinguished by a long red stripe across its middle. No one has died from a redback bite since 1956, so that’s encouraging.

“I’m the most unlucky guy in the country at the moment,” said ‘Jordan’, who won’t be giving into his building site urges again any time soon. “I think I’ll be holding on for dear life to be honest,” he says. Probably a wise plan. Clearly the spiders find ‘Jordan’ a little bit tasty.

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