It is 10am. I am efficient. I am sitting at my desk waiting for my scheduled 10am call. I have a cup of coffee and a pen. My computer is on and ready for me to take serious notes/check my diary should the need arise. I am that person.
It is 10:03am. Why is everyone always late? Here I am, the very picture of competence and productivity and I am being let down. What a shame. I chew my pen and log on to ASOS. I am a lone proficient in an inept world.
It is 10:06am. Still nothing. I pick up my phone to fiddle with Instagram. Bollocks there are three missed calls. It was on silent. Again. It’s always on silent. Except in the cinema or during a wedding speech, obviously.
It is 10:07am. I stab away at the missed call number. “I am so sorry I was sitting here and I realised my phone was on silent and I was all ready to go and it was on silent and I don’t know why it didn’t vibrate, in fact I don’t know why it was on silent but it might have been because I’m on this WhatsApp group and when it gets going it really goes wild and can be maddening so sometimes I just flick it on to silent…” The person on the other end of the line doesn’t care.
Another day another time. Why hasn’t he texted? He’s supposed to be keen. Or why hasn’t she called? Surely our fight wasn’t really a fight. Or was it really a fight? Oh God it was a fight, wasn’t it. Both times? Phone on silent. Both times, my inner insanity revealed to me. What’s the answer? Maybe this: phone never on silent but volume very, very, very low at all times. Yes. Maybe. Oh hell.