1. The Rachel
That phase hairdressers went through where The Rachel was their default setting, regardless of what you asked for. “I’d like a trim, please,” you’d say and they’d give you a feathered bob. “I’d like you to cut me a fringe” and they’d give you a feathered bob. Those effing feathered layers. The Rachel looked great on Rachel – but it made you and every other woman the length and breadth of Merry England look like she was a presenter on the BBC’s Breakfast News.
2. The Princess Diana
After some very meh dos in the eighties, Princess Diana did what almost everyone does after a bad break-up and chopped her hair off. Cue a tonne of copy-cuts. Hopefully yours emulated the blurry Testino shoot one: All streaky sun-kissed, modern and feminine and ‘Bitch, I can do this on my own’.
3. The Denise Van Outen
Specifically, that spikey up-do. Long tendrils at the front, hair gathered, twisted and then pinned up and splayed out at the back, with the tips waxed or gelled. Maybe with a choker and dark brown lipstick. Also seen on Honey in Notting Hill in all its twisty demented glory.
4. The Shaved Bob
That strange rage in the early years of senior school, where the girls got a sort of Makepiece longer-at-the-front bob that was shaved at the back. A bit edgy, a bit punky. Especially for a twelve-year old.
5. The white blonde Madonna
Madonna’s Blonde Ambition tour was a very, very big deal. It still is. The pointy bra, the masturbating on stage, the shouting “Fuck you!” at a cheering audience. All accompanied by the ubiquitous red lips and white blonde ringlets. Steely, strong and quite prepared to repeatedly put the phone down on Warren Beatty while pretending to suck off a bottle of sparkling water. You may still have this hair.
6. The Bjork buns
Putting your hair in many tiny buns, like Bjork or someone in the Macarena video, and finding to your dismay that it encouraged boys to suck them.