the simpsons, ned, edna, dance, couple, sex, love, time spent, thinking, wanting, dodging

Sex does not take nine minutes

So they say that sex, on average, takes nine minutes. Start to finish. So that’s not too bad. But it’s also nonsense – once you’ve taken into account all the…

Time spent avoiding sex: Some Midults are seriously skilled at swerving sex. Suggestions include: Starting an argument as soon as you see the glimpsiest glint in an eye; setting off alarms – car, house, fire, hell even the alarm clock – to cool any ardour. Warning: Elephants and penises don’t forget.

Time spent preparing for sex: So it’s a first date. Or, at least, an early date. You’ve been WhatsApping for days and you are hot, hot, hot to go. Need a wax (just in case – don’t judge), tan (it’s April), pedicure (hooves), roots (otherwise insane), therapy (because ANXIOUS). That’s a day. Plus all the time discussing every possible scenario with friends.

Time spent thinking about sex you’ve had: It could be the good, like that Israeli soldier on Koh Samui on your gap year (never happened, Mum), the bad (oof), the ugly. And the boring.  And the boring. And the boring. And the good. Like that Israeli…

Time spent worrying about sex: Why don’t I want it? Why don’t they want it? Why do I suddenly want it so much? Do I look OK doing it? If the sex-drought is extreme enough, will I forget how to do it? Do I need to do role-play? Am I too old for anal sex?

See? Nine minutes? COME ON. It’s sex-hausting.

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