One episode of Wild, Wild Country just turned into the whole season, followed by Pearl Harbour on Channel 5 and then Spartacus, because, why not and you were only channel hopping and that was an accident and HURRAY, you LOVE this episode of Friends and there’s still Graham Norton on Sky Plus from last week and the Woman in White with that girl from Taboo and when is Taboo back, better re-watch the whole of Taboo, oh look, your eyes have spontaneously sprung out of your head to stop you looking at the TV.
Bad picture hanging
Don’t have a ladder, don’t have a tape measure, don’t have a hammer, do have a large nail and some sturdy boots. You’ve got a pretty good eye, haven’t you? That’s probably the middle of the wall, you know, sort of. Here goes nothing! OK, so that’s not the middle of the wall. Better move it a bit to the left. No, the right. Cue to half an hour later where your wall looks like it was used to shoot prisoners against. And your picture has fallen off the nail and smashed. Bit dramatic.
You are a feminist who also needs to save money and can jolly well sew up that tear in your shirt yourself. So the thread is probably twelve shades too dark, but meh, who’s going to worry about a tiny detail like that? Sewing is relaxing. Except when you ram the needle into your thumb. Move onto gluing the handle back on your mug instead of throwing it out. Also glue yourself to the mug. And the needle. Shout a lot trying to shake all the glued items off your person. Fail. Break the mug. Re-stab self with the needle. Wish it were Tuesday.
Not answering the door but then going a bit mad by the time it’s Sunday morning
NO to other humans. YES to solitary me-time, just moving quietly around my house admiring the wallpaper and losing hours going through drawers. Got some relaxing music on. A fully-stocked fridge. There could be a nuclear white out and I would be fine… *can only hear sound of own voice* *doesn’t sleep at all* *becomes desperate for human contact by Sunday morning* *spends too long talking to the newsagent about his opinions on the Windrush scandal*
There must be a layer of baby soft, seven-year-old looking skin under there somewhere. It’s what all the beauty brands say, isn’t it?????? Like digging for oil??????