isabel bigalow, bewitched, nicole kidman, insomnia, said no one ever

Said no one ever

We are constantly saying, ‘Where’s my phone?’, ‘I am so tired’, ‘No bread for me, thanks’, ‘What the fuck is my phone doing in the fridge?’ but here are six things you are highly unlikely to hear coming out of the mouths of women. Never say never. But still…

I am really pleased that my skin elasticity is going

Who wants to look taut or fresh? And those weird brown patches on my face? LOVE.

I am so happy that this eight hours of sleep thing is now over

When I think about all the time I’ve spent sleeping I could weep. I could have a PhD right now, studied for at night, on the Open University, and you’d have to call me Doctor now for all the time I’ve wasted sleeping.

I wish I had spent more time in the office

At my desk. Or any desk. In front of a screen. In the air conditioning. Nuzzling my keyboard. Eating my lunch. All my meals. Wiping the landline phone. Scraping a dollop of soup off the cardboard carpet.

Grey pubes are so distinguished

As are grey roots for that matter. It’s so authentic.

I need to feel more

It’s not enough to ping pong between moods never quite knowing what the trigger was. Gimme more feelings. Gimme everything you’ve got.

I regret nothing

Are you kidding? I regret everything. Sleeping with the IT guy in my first job. Staying with the man who told me I was fat and shouted at me. Not buying Bitcoin. Step away from the person telling you they have no regrets. They are probably the same person saying, ‘And it never did me any harm…’

I wish I could live in high heels

There’s a sudden realisation that hits and BOOM you can’t believe you are walking in heels. Why would you do this to yourself? Are you even walking or is it more of a limpy trot?

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