1. Scott and Charlene
You’re in overalls with car oil on your face. God you’re adorable. Jason has sneaked in from school. He has homework. You need a shower. “My mum’ll be back this arvo,” you say, slowly taking off your dungarees. “But I’ve got to study for my HSCs…” Scott says tremulously as you start to remove his blazer.
2. Nicole Appleton and Robbie Williams
You are sulking in a pair of vast combat trousers and a spaghetti strap top. “I can’t believe I didn’t win the Smash Hits award for most fanciable female,” you say. “I can’t believe you didn’t either,” Robbie says, sauntering up to you (don’t forget to draw tattoos on him first). “Everyone knows you’re the hot one in All Saints.” “Under-appreciated,” you say lustily, looking into his sad, confused but sexually confident eyes. “Yes,” he says, starting to sing Angels quietly.
3. Madonna and a dancer
“But I’m gay,” your dancer will protest. “You’re whatever I say you are!” you shout back at him. “You will dance for me and then you will go down on me and then you will say, ‘THANK YOU’ for being allowed to give me an orgasm.” “You’re a bitch,” he says, gently fingering the crucifix resting against his transparent gauze top, “but I’m obsessed with you.”
4. Game of Thrones
He is Jon Snow. Or a dragon. Or… Tyrion Lannister (at least you know there will be lolz). They must all kneel to you (preferably in chains). You might also be Brienne of Tarth, the virgin knight, challenging your opponent to a duel. He can be Jamie Lannister (don’t forget he’ll need one fake hand). You are Khaleesi. Or if you really want to push the boat out, you can be Cersei, walking naked around your house while he throws vegetables at you to the chant of ‘Shame. Shame. Shame.’ Sexy.
5. Cat Deeley and Ant & Dec
CD:UK is at the height of its fame. You are applying your brown lip-liner when Ant and Dec come into your dressing room. “Alreet pet,” says Ant. “We just wanted to go over the script, like,” Dec says. You stand there in your pedal-pushers, waving your hair straighteners in their adorable faces. Let’s get ready to rumble.
6. Alexis Colby and Dex Dexter
“Dex, you bastard!” you shout from your bubble bath, throwing your glass at him. “I never want to see you again!” “I’m not going anywhere,” he says. “I won’t let you seduce me again!” you hiss. He gets into the bath with you. “Don’t make me stub my cigarillo out on your face,” you say as he takes you in his arms and you both slide beneath the bubbles.