i love lucy, lucille ball, hmm, shoulder shrug, how are you?

What we really want to say when people ask ‘How are you?’

  1. I have my period, so I’m sweaty and hormonal and I have a headache and cramps. I want to hit you, I want to blow up a school bus and smash windows. Then I want to cry and scream until I’m sick. And then I want to have a McDonalds and a nap.”
  2. “I am completely and utterly amazing. I had really hot filthy sex last night, where I was hurled about the room and then had an orgasm like a tidal wave and now I can’t concentrate on anything at work, nor am I listening to a single word you are saying and I don’t care about your spreadsheets or the financial returns for this quarter because I’m in a sex-haze flashback dream state and I’m thinking about my boyfriend’s hands and what happened on the kitchen table, not the office Christmas party or the pending conference call about next year’s targets.”
  3. I am so tired I’m seeing three of you. I slept for twenty seconds last night and now I am deranged like Dennis Hopper in Apocalypse Now. I cannot process words or make decisions that aren’t highly suspect. I don’t give a toss about anything that is happening in your life because I simply don’t have the energy to form any opinions. I just want to get in a ball and go to sleep on the floor for twelve years.”
  4. “I am exactly the same as the last time you asked me that. Literally absolutely nothing has changed. Sorry.”
  5. I still don’t have a pension, I still don’t have a mortgage, I still don’t know how I’m going to pay my tax bill, I still don’t know how I will pay to get my roof done, which suddenly needs doing, thanks for nothing God. I still don’t know what will become of me when I’m eighty and if I’ll end up living in a tree-house or a cave because I have no assets and I am completely alone and all I do is spend my salary on takeaways, but I really enjoyed the last series of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here and I really fancy Joel the comedian, so in that sense, I’m very well.”
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