You get a parking ticket. Do you…
- Change your sexual orientation.
- Just go rambling – there aren’t many things you can’t walk off.
- Demand to know how this could happen to God’s vessel…???
- Someone will pay for this. In this life or the next. Oh yes. They will.
It’s your birthday. Do you…
- Get engaged.
- Bake yourself a lovely cake. And one for the dogs.
- Send yourself flowers… a wall of flowers.
- A mini-break. Yacht, oligarchs, members of the cabinet. Nothing flashy.
Your jeans won’t do up. Do you…
- Twerk it off (with a Victoria’s Secret Model).
- A Barbour covers a multitude of sins.
- My undone jeans are the voice of a generation.
You are craving…
- Medical grade marijuana.
- Fresh air.
A huge spot erupts on your chin. You think…
- Instagram it #iwannacutdatshit
- I hope this doesn’t scare the horses.
- Why won’t you just let me be great?
- You remain intensely relaxed. You have a special doctor. Many special doctors.
Someone changes the TV channel without warning. Do you…
- Express your distress through the medium of dance.
- Perfect. Time for my improving turn around the garden.
- Realise your greatest regret is that you’ll never see yourself perform live.
- You turn it back using only your mind.
Mostly As: Miley Cyrus
Your PMT is noisy. This is not ‘a suffer in silence’ situation. Whatever it takes to scratch the hormonal itch, be that sex, drugs or social media – sometimes all at once.
Mostly Bs: Clare Balding
Your PMT is a good egg. A brick. A trouper. It’s PMT like yours that built the British Empire. We salute it.
Mostly Cs: Kanye West
There has never been PMT like your PMT. Your PMT is a religious experience. Visiting your PMT is like visiting Hermes factory: shit is real.
Mostly Ds: Peter Mandelson
Your PMT will stop at nothing. Power is oxygen to your PMT. Your PMT is known to those around you as ‘she who must not be named’. To know you is to fear you.