i am pretty much 3% human, 62% hunger and 35% needing to pee, midults, made of, percentages

Percentages: What are Midults made of?

10% needing to pee: Is it because of all the coffee, tea, green juices and all the water we are drinking so we can put one step in front of the other and don’t look like dried out carcasses? Jesus this is depressing, is this why we need to pee all the time because our vaginas are crying tiny tears?

5% terrible thoughts: You know the ones. Like, ‘I wonder what he looks like naked?’ or ‘When will you just bloody go ahead and die?’

35% stressed: What? Not 97% stressed? Not 99% stressed? No, a lot of the time we are actually very zen, calm, meditative, get shit done kinda grown-ups. 65% of the time it works every time.

21% snaccidents: Look at us so disciplined, so firm, so ‘No I couldn’t possibly manage a pudding’. (It’s because we already ate the fridge)

47% needing to sleep: Always need sleep. Would you like a private island? Only if I could sleep there. Wouldn’t it be nice to just fall asleep when you hit the pillow and wake up 8 hours later? Rather than have to make 24 sacrifices to the gods and still wake up at 4:45am?

5% wanting to buy something really inappropriate: Like pool slides with pom poms on them. Or leather leggings. When what you really need is a raincoat and a nice summer jumper. And some new knickers. *buystheleather*

27% swear words: As in ‘The washing machine is buggering about’ and ‘Who the fuck doesn’t thank you when you give way?’ and ‘What the cunting hell am I supposed to say to that?’

3% dreaming of the moisturiser that is going to make you look like a sun-kissed 22-year-old.

2% worrying about whether we should have paid more attention in maths: So that our finances wouldn’t be such a mystery. And the rest.

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