As the saying goes: you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your… penis pals. Ah, you might wonder, what is a penis pal? Well, I’m glad you asked. A penis pal is a woman (or man, y’know) who has had sex with the same man you have had sex with. In other words, you have met the same penis. Ergo, penis pals.
This is rarely an edifying conceit. If it’s your best friend then it’s all a bit much. Bonding but, simultaneously, distancing. Particularly if it was a great love for one or the other of you. It never quite feels like ‘family’ but, rather, ‘incest’. Of a kind. But we wear this slight shudder lightly because we’ve all been around the block a bit by this point so… it happens.
The troubling bit happens when you realise that you are penis pals with someone you either loathe or find incredibly mad or just disconcerting. Or when it’s a woman who you know represents direct competition and one who won’t just… go away. Disappear. Get married or move abroad or something similarly helpful. How does one view it when a man who wants to fuck you has also wanted to fuck someone – to your mind – that no one should want to fuck.
We are not saying this is kind or reasonable or sane. But there are things about sex and sexual politics that are not kind or reasonable or sane. Things that press buttons. Things that niggle. Even though, let’s be honest, there can be some nutrition in just agreeing that some total tool who’s been mean to both of you is ‘hung like a shrimp and bad in bed’. Not that we would ever say that. Because it is not kind or reasonable or sane.
The best and darkest kind of penis pal is where you know that the two of you are pals but she doesn’t. Evil. But true.