showgirls, thrusting hips, stronger bladder, pee maths, bladder

To pee or not to pee…

A friend came round the other day having read an article on bladders. “I think,” she said with all the gravitas of Jane Garvey, “that you need to exercise better bladder control.” Because according to my friend/Jane Garvey it is now imperative in Midult life to toughen up your bladder. Not content with fighting the neck sagging and the arm flapping we need to Military Fitness our wee sack.

This does not just mean pelvic floor exercises. I am, of course, now doing pelvic floor exercises as I write this – and you probably are too. It is impossible to hear the words ‘pelvic floor exercise’ without immediately clenching and unclenching. FYI it is unexpectedly hard to clench and unclench and write.

This means not going to the loo when it dawns on you that you need to, but holding out as long as you can until you have the Jean-Claude Van Damme of bladders. You are like the trainer in Rocky making Stallone run up those stairs. Show your bladder no mercy. Because otherwise one day soon you will run up the stairs and… Or laugh too hard and… need I go on?

Also no more ‘just in case’ wees – WHAT I hear you cry? What about before a really long Shakespeare play with no interval? To which I say, “Pah! I care not a fig.” What about before the tube/Uber? No. Mind over bladder. It’s a muscle (is it?). It needs to be strong. It needs to be resistant. It needs to be hard as nails. It needs to be dropped in the jungle and not immediately need to find a bush.

Ask not what your bladder can do for you but what you can do for your bladder. Otherwise the future is… leaky.

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