Have you heard of death maths? Do you lie in bed working out how much time you have left, how much time has gone? In Miranda Sawyer’s new book, Out of Time, she talks brilliantly about this thing we do ‘adding and subtracting, calculating’ how much time has gone by, how long we have left, how little time to do the things we feel we need to do. The fractions of the whole, the percentages…
True enough, and here at The Midult there’s another calculation we make daily/nightly/all the bloody time. Pee Maths. You know this. It’s the calculation you make, for example, when you are making a cup of tea: Do I wait for the kettle to boil and then pour the water or do I quickly run to the loo? Good pee management is good time management.
Or it’s: Do I nip into this café before I get on the Overground? Is there time? More importantly can I risk waiting? Oh My God.
Many of you will have bought a jumpsuit over the last couple of years, Now you have to throw that into the equation. (Especially if the jumpsuit unzips at the back.) Time spent undoing jumpsuit + urgency + distance to the bathroom = possible disaster. Maths, maths, maths.
And if you don’t sleep well – and let’s face it who does? – you turn into Einstein as you calculate the cut-off point for fluids at night. Should I have this sleepy tea while watching Orange is the New Black? How about water? Just a sip. It’s 9pm. Arrrgghhh. If I have this now, will I wake up at 2am? 3am? Or push right through until 4am? All the while you are frantically scribbling this equation on your mental blackboard like Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind. Because the bladder has turned into the enemy. But at least it’s keeping us on top of the old (!) mental arithmetic.