1. Open your mouth while putting your mascara on
Will gawping at the mirror like a fish stop your mascara smudging or clumping? Er, no it won’t.
2. Turning off the music when you park
How does hearing better help you not ride up onto the pavement or bump the guy in front of you? And yet…
3. Pushing the button at a crossing or the lift multiple times
4. Keep the mini soy sauce that comes with your sushi takeaway
5. Check Facebook / Instagram less than a minute after you last checked it
Guys. Nothing has happened in the past minute. At best, it’ll be one post of someone on holiday who isn’t you. And no one has liked that funny photo of the seal you found smiling like a human. Get on with your day and your life.
6. Keep checking the fridge
You ran out of food, didn’t you. There is nothing in your fridge except for a miniature can of Schweppes that is now flat and a withered spring onion. Why is it you keep returning to the fridge to check its contents? It’s empty. It was empty five minutes ago. It’ll still be empty in five minutes.
7. Beeping your horn in traffic jams
Your ‘GET A BLOODY MOVE ON’ attitude is not helping. No one else in the traffic jam wants to be in the traffic jam. This is not a conspiracy against you that everyone else is in on. If the people ahead could move, they would move. Well done for increasing everyone else’s stress levels though, including your own.
8. Talking about famous people like you know them
“She looks so lovely.” “Urgh, I bet she’s really high maintenance.” You know why it’s pointless to speculate on whether the Duchess of Cambridge is an angel or a demon? Because you don’t know her. And even if you’ve met her, you still don’t know her. Why don’t any of us ever remember that???