We know all about feelings. We are feeling experts. Aren’t we? Because we feel so many things. There’s anger and anger and worry and hunger? (Is hunger a feeling? Because we feel it in our souls.) And guilt. And all of these other feelings too…
The Wednesday feeling
Sure Monday feels terrible. Gut-wrenching and ‘Oh God if I can just get through this week it will all be OK’ EVERY SINGLE MONDAY. But then there’s the Wednesday feeling. Which is the same but different. A feeling of ‘How can it only be Wednesday? Surely it’s Friday. Why is it still Wednesday?’ All day.
The crisps feeling
This goes something like this: walking along, minding your own business, maybe humming a little tune when suddenly: CRISPS. CRISPS. CRISPS. It’s all you can think about. Crisps. You disgrace yourself in M&S by eating an entire big bag of Squares before you reach the cashier so have to pay for an empty bag. Which is depressing.
The criminal fraud feeling
The gut-pounding sensation that you get when you realise that all your money has gone. You must have been hacked/robbed/your card has been stolen/why hasn’t the fraud squad been in touch? And then the slow creeping realisation. THE CRIMINAL IS YOU.
The new outfit feeling
Look at you all swish swish swish. Because you buy outfits now. Because you are a grown-up and you don’t go into Miss Selfridge and get distracted by shiny things that don’t work with anything else. And the trousers are the perfect length because you had them shortened (so grown-up) so that they drape over your Stan Smiths just so. And you have a blazer. Oh yes you do. Why, you are practically a stylist now. Oh, is that lady over there wearing the same thing? But slightly better?
The memory feeling
Panic panic panic. Oh it’s just there on the tip of your brain and yet somehow totally out of reach. You can practically feel yourself reaching into your saggy memory bag, fishing around, all the while another part of your brain is shouting come on, come on, come on THIS IS EMBARRASSING. And then you give in and murmur, “Sorry, what was I saying?”
The athlete feeling
The endorphins are pumping and the sweat is flowing and the sports bra is working and the music is rocking and the ponytail is swinging and the arse is firming and – holy fuck – how can there be 50 minutes left of the class? This is never going to work. *fakesaphonecallandleaves*
The abandoned feeling
No one calls or writes or texts because there is something inherently wrong with you and why does no one care and are your friends all together having fun somewhere and this is feeling rather bleak but you are too ashamed to share it and why the bloody hell is the bastard phone ringing? Aren’t you allowed any SPACE TO GROW?