Of course you’re not *really* shopping right now because, life. But it’s nearly the new term and this is what might happen should you get a new thing…
1. New dress
Hang it on the outside of your cupboard and then start sending people to your room for no reason to make sure they see it. Continue to look at the dress on Net-A-Porter, like you have done for the past few weeks, even though you now own it.
2. New ring
Start gesticulating like an hysterical Italian. Yawn a lot and cover your mouth. Sit cupping your head and leaning on your elbow. Get your nails done so you can say, “I just had such a great manicure, look.”
3. New bag
Develop extreme paranoia about the weather. It was hard enough taking it out of the packaging and now a single splash on the perfect, soft leather will ruin it forever. Desperately cover it with your jacket if it starts to rain, if not take it off and cloak it. Or sit trapped in your car, even if you’re just outside your house, because it’s pouring and you can’t take the risk of even a quick dash.
4. New painting
Day one: can’t stop staring at it. Have now been staring at it for 30 minutes. Day two: so exciting to wake up and remember the new picture! Got to go and stare at it for fifteen minutes! Day three: (passing it on the way to another room) “Oh, that.” Day four: never look at it again.
5. New pyjamas
What time can I go to bed? Shall I use my expensive bath oil before I put it on so they smell of the bath oil? How long before I need to wash them? What if they’re not the same after I wash them? How do I make sure they’re ironed so these exact packaging creases are still on them? Can I wear them out to dinner?
6. New iPhone
OMG, is that a scratch on the screen???????????? MY LIFE IS OVER.
7. New lipstick
8. New saucepan
All my old saucepans are so shit. Never using any of them ever again.
9. New shoes
Keep going back to your room to stare at them. Stop working to go and stare at them. Spray them with stuff to protect them. Wear them for the first time and immediately feel the desperate need for new shoes.
10. New haircut
Feel deeply embarrassed every time someone notices and thoroughly pissed off when they don’t.