Married people should never be consulted about romantic conundrums. They are hopeless. How quickly they forget the need to be nuanced and yet direct. You know that incredibly early embryonic stage where you may or may not have drunkenly fallen on top of one another but you have not yet had a date and you are tentatively texting and trying to get your tone of voice right? Faintly flirty but absolutely backtrackable. Green light-ish but dignified. Amusing yet… potentially a keeper. Responding in a timely fashion; not too keen yet not game-playery. Balance. Sass. Measure.
Married people say things like, “Just text him and tell him you’re not wearing any knickers. That’ll work.” Work for what? They want to read every text which is deeply unnerving because they have also forgotten that it is CRUCIAL not to text anything by mistake so they are careless with your phone. They want every detail to remind them of skirmishes that aren’t all “Have you emptied the dishwasher?” Married people tend also to be extremists; either hopelessly romantic – “He loves you!!!” – or deeply cynical – “They are all liars.” Neither is helpful.
Married people want the best for you in a kind of spectator sport way. They are rooting for you but they can in no way walk a mile in your single shoes. And so, when it comes to sex and romance, turn to the singles; they feel the frisson. They are in touch with the jeopardy and the possibility. The married people – bless them – are little more than giggling loons.