We lead a virtuous life. We put honesty and kindness above all else and meditate for at least 2 hours every day. That is a lie. Like when we say…
I’m not mad
Sometimes it’s hard to know how mad you are. On the mad scale. Sure there are times when you are beautifully in concert with yourself, a harmony of activity and time to get it all done. Then there are the other times when your brain is like those jarring pieces of plinky plonk Sadlers Wells style music, all violent violins and deliberate discord. “I’m not mad,” you say as you hope no one can see the eye twitch, knee twitch, soul twitch.
I don’t mind if you go…
To the party, to the Beyonce concert, to the Ted Talk, to see Hamilton, to the pub. “I don’t mind if you abandon me to my lonely fate, have a brilliant time without me, because I know I am a burden and will only spoil things for you and I know it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity and of course I am not remotely resentful.” See also, “Have an amazing time.”
I wasn’t taking a picture of myself
Sorry what? No, of course you are not taking a quick picture of yourself to see how the nose hairs are hanging or if that weird patch on your cheek has expanded or if the Botox has kicked on. Or to see how you look in this light, or by this plant or lying down at this angle. How very dare you…
I’ll be ready in five minutes
Even if you are low-maintenance, this is never true. No Midult is ready in five minutes: for a start there are the ten minutes on the bed worrying about Brexit/the Thai boys/Russians. Plus a quick Insta-scroll. Mini panic about tax and pensions. Plus how much to moisturise. And then there’s the time it takes to look in your wardrobe and pray that something fabulous and weather-appropriate leaps out. And then time to have a little sob/sulk when it doesn’t.
I’m not jealous
Jealousy is a waste of time. Grown-ups don’t get jealous. Why would we? Corrosive envy is really bad for sleep and you practise incredible sleep hygiene every night not thinking about that dress, the bank account, the fab jobs of anyone you know.
I’m not hungry
We are always hungry. We don’t know why. We don’t really care why.
I’m quite enjoying not drinking
For those times when you have been having a bit too good a time and you realise that good times can become bad times if you don’t prove to yourself that you are fine without the booze. You can still have fun without the booze. You are empowered without the booze. And you feel amazing. Efficient. Firing on all cylinders. You are not bored. At all.
What, this old thing?
You haven’t been painstakingly researching this outfit, planning it for weeks, tracked it down at the only outlet in the UK, maybe even went to Paris for the weekend to buy it and then had it copied in every different shade by your secret seamstress. Just something you threw on in an entirely relaxed fashion. Because you are an entirely relaxed individual.
Of course I didn’t sleep with him
You absolutely did not. Nor him. Or that guy. Or him. Just a kiss and a cuddle. Nothing nada nicht. No. Put-in doesn’t count, right?
I’ve left Instagram
You don’t look tired
Telling someone they look tired is not a kindness. Everyone knows we look as tired as fuck. “You don’t look tired at all” is a mercy. Be merciful out there.