Obviously we are absolutely fine apart from the debilitating panic attacks, the insomnia, the money worries and the mould on the ceiling from all the leaking, but here are all the other things that are very discombobulating at the moment…
Oh my god there’s a cloud in the sky. That’s it, summer is over, the terrible, cruel winter is going to come back. Are you still a bit post-traumatic? Frantically checking the weather app to see how long the weather is going to last. Hourly. Minutely. But wait, what if it stays hot like this? How are you going to survive? You might go mad. (Narrator: ‘go’?)
Summer diary jenga
And so it begins – the long and tortuous game of trying to put anything in the diary between now and September. So-and-so is OOO, so-and-so doesn’t work Fridays, or Tuesday afternoons *summer hours*, so-and-so has just moved to Margate so can’t get in before 11, and so-and-so on and on until everyone dies.
Heavy air conditioning unit
It has been hot. Like so hot. You are happy about the heat. Except you can’t sleep. Which is why you ordered a portable air-conditioning unit before the heat hit. Except. Portable? What lies are these? You’ve managed to get it through the front door where it is sitting, blocking the entrance, exit, making you feel claustrophobic and hot. Still hot. So hot.
Worrying about the Iran deal
Is it a good deal? A bad deal? Are we going to pull out? Stay in? Is this Brexit all over again but with nuclear weapons? What happens now? Who is in charge? *howls*
Making the tea, losing the tea, finding the tea, drinking the cold tea, going out, needing to pee immediately and repeat. Drinking the rose, wishing you hadn’t drunk all the rose, waking up with a grown-up hangover, feeling like a tired toddler (except with pigmentation) eating all the bread, drinking all the water, going out, needing to pee immediately and repeat.
The fact that you hate all your clothes
Are you currently opening your wardrobe and weeping? Why does everything look wrong? The only solution is to never leave the house again. Puts on denim skirt and broderie shirt. Avoids mirrors all day.
Wait, what, go out? At night? Why? No.
“Have I missed the Handmaid’s Tale?” horror
Are you waking up in the night thinking, “Have I missed The Handmaid’s Tale? Has it happened and somehow I didn’t know and now I am going to have to catch up on the Gilead goings-on as well as The Woman in White and The Split and Homeland and Queer Eye. How can I stay on top of all the TV?”
It’s May and you can’t eat biscuits in May. Everyone knows that. Except… BISCUITS .