The Sound of Music is my favourite film. I have a large photograph of Julie Andrews, ecstatic on the mountainside, framed in my house as a reminder that optimism is always the answer. I play the soundtrack in my car. Whenever I watch the film now, I cry when the children have their lovely day out wearing the drape-clothes and HOWL when Maria first comes back from the abbey and they hear her joining in when they’re singing My Favourite Things and everyone goes a bit nuts. The last we see of the family is them trekking over the Alps to Switzerland and freedom. But what fate lay in store for the seven children? Here’s how things might have turned out:
Liesl – Teenage mother (definitely not Rolf’s. You just knew she was ready to give up the goods at the first sign of interest. I never believed her when she sang, “I’ll wait a year or two“. Er, NO YOU WON’T).
Friedrich – Gay. With an impressive art collection and a lovely boyfriend called something like Dolph or Helmut, whom he met when he was touring with his cabaret act.
Louisa – Joined a cult, just to piss her parents off. She always felt like the trouble-maker. Too tall.
Kurt – Accountant.
Brigitta – Terrifying critic for a newspaper. Remember how she slams Maria’s dress as ‘the ugliest thing I ever saw’. Not afraid to speak her mind, that one. Like a non-evil Katie Hopkins.
Marta – Something gentle, like running a donkey sanctuary.
Gretl – On a farm somewhere, cheerful, robust and a bit rotund, milking and knowing how to mend her own roof and birth her own babies etc.
The most important thing is that they would obviously get together at least once a year, probably at Christmas, to sing all the old songs and run races with their beloved stepmother, the greatest of all human beings. You know I’m right.