olympic, tennis, kristen wiig, women, olympian, ceremony

If Midults were running the Olympics…

1/ The opening ceremony wouldn’t be too loud or involve an unnecessary amount of people. Or be too late at night. But there would be booze.

2/ Gold medals for anyone who is able to sleep through the night. Postboxes painted gold in their towns, stamps issued with their faces on them, serious talks about their legacy.

3/ Training sessions would be interrupted for gin and tonics (you can only properly relax when you’re a little bit drunk) and an update from everyone about whether they’ve made a will yet.

4/ Smoking allowed, particularly during the heats. Come on, competing is stressful.

5/ Sports psychologists would be made to listen to long rambling stories related to renting-anxiety / social ineptitude / preferring House of Cards boxsets to sex, because how can you focus on winning anything when you’ve got so much other stuff to worry about?

6/ The Midult Olympic torch would be lit by Olivia Colman with live commentary from Claudia Winkleman.

7/ Catastrophising would be introduced as a sport with the Olympic Champion title going to the person who has incorrectly attributed the most minor physical ailments to cancer.

8/ The period over full moon would be declared as days of rest.

9/ Medals awarded for funniest vagina-related stories.

10/ The closing ceremony would be cancelled so everyone could go to bed early.

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