Don’t sleep on top of the duvet
Because of the demons. You need your unconquerable duvet shield to ward them off. You know it.
Never trust someone who doesn’t swear
Why are they so in control? Do they express their anger in other ways? By clubbing people to death and hiding their bodies in their basement? Why are they not laughing as you tell the story about how you told your mother to fuck off when she laughed at your hair/dress/boyfriend? Back away quietly. Try and remember what the shortcut is to call 999 on your iPhone.
Unwaxed body hair tells the universe to create sexual opportunities for you
The hairier you are, the stronger your pheromones, according to the universe. Deciding not to bother waxing before a date issues a heavenly instruction to the gods of love. They will now make you a) not only totally irresistible, but also b) really in the mood. Weird.
Shopping when you’re broke invites more money into your life
Behaving like a rich person who lives a life of nothing but pleasure is the default setting for Midults who have entered the brain space above fear and are now feeling deranged about their lack of money. This superstition triggers wild shopping sprees in the belief that it somehow tells the world you are fine and everything is fine and that’s fine, yes I will have those Anthropologie plates and a dress to go with them.
People who don’t sing along to Bohemian Rhapsody have no soul
Especially the squeaky Gallileo section. Who doesn’t want to feel the release of shouting, “Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the fandango?” at the top of their lungs, even if surrounded by total strangers? It connects us as humans – like oxygen. Failure to join in is practically admitting you’re part of a satanic cult.
Bread is God’s test
Warm bread. Fragrant. Soft. But also crusty. Enticing, irresistible, tempting beyond comprehension. Bread is the serpent in the Garden of Eden. Face the bread and let your decision reveal just what kind of backbone you really have.
Don’t park in anger
Even if the space is big enough for a bus, you will not be able to park properly when under the influence of anger. One side will stick out. One wheel will be up on the curb. You’ll be screaming. Everyone will be judging you. Hell will open its gates and suck you in.