kristen wiig, bridesmaids, self-loathing, regretful

Midult acts of self-loathing

Some things seem like a good idea but then they hurt. Or itch. Or turn around and give us the metaphorical finger. Beware of the below…

  1. Wearing a jumpsuit when you constantly need to pee. When you have to basically sort of get naked every time you need the loo. Cold, isn’t it?
  2. Going to bed every night expecting eight hours sleep. Fool. Yes, that IS God you can hear laughing.
  3. Going online house hunting in the area when you rent. TortureTortureTorture.
  4. Buying knickers that look sexy but feel like you’re cheese-wiring your various parts.
  5. Agreeing to go on a blind date set up by someone whose taste in curtains you don’t like and whose husband you actively loathe. TRUST NO ONE.
  6. Paying in advance for ten weeks of 7am Saturday morning circuit training classes at the gym. Good luck with that.
  7. Giving up smoking at the same time as giving up caffeine, alcohol and Nurofen. Your body will become your headache temple. With a side order of mood swings, night sweats and aching joints.  You’re fun to be around!
  8. Agreeing to go to any dinner that starts after 8:30pm. 8pm is bad enough. Who organised this horror show? And why don’t they want to be in bed by 9pm, THE FREAKS.
  9. Tinder. Too fast food. Everyone so disposable. Everyone so unaccountable. Married people think it’s the BEST plan. Married people are vicariously pervy.
  10. Getting arseholed on a first date. Having sex. Not remembering it. And then wondering what to do…
  11. Comparing your body to other peoples’ bodies. It just doesn’t matter. It just isn’t about that.
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