My wife wanted to talk about vaginal reconstruction last week. Just, you know, in general. I was already in bed when she ignited this conversation, not exactly ecstatic to be woken up but always keen to hear about the ways of women…
My wife: … so there was one quite bonkers bit when Christina told me about getting something weird done to her vagina.
Me: *look of horror*
Wife: Something called the Magic Wand…
Me: No, no, no…
Wife: … makes it all tight again, apparently.
Wife: Maybe because she’s had three kids, all vaginal births? Do you know what that does to a vag?
Me: *thinks hard*
Wife: Exactly. I had two C-sections so I guess we probably don’t know.
Me: But isn’t an operation like that just another way for men to make women conform to their expectations?
Also me: Plus, if you have three vaginal births, isn’t a bit of a flappy vag just the price you pay?
Wife: *fixes me with stern gaze* YOU don’t pay the price, do you? The woman does. Imagine if it was men who had to give birth through their penises –
Wife: – and every time they did their penis would shrivel up and shrink a bit more. Yes, it would shrink a little after every delivery.
Me: Hey now –
Wife: Exactly. I bet Magic Wand willy restoration would be on the NHS.
Me: *pauses for moment of sober reflection* I’ve just lost this argument haven’t I?