cat screaming, scrunched up face, wincing, vaginal reconstruction, surgery

The Mid Man doesn’t want to talk about vaginas

My wife wanted to talk about vaginal reconstruction last week. Just, you know, in general. I was already in bed when she ignited this conversation, not exactly ecstatic to be woken up but always keen to hear about the ways of women…

My wife: … so there was one quite bonkers bit when Christina told me about getting something weird done to her vagina.

Me: *look of horror*

Wife: Something called the Magic Wand…

Me: No, no, no…

Wife: … makes it all tight again, apparently.

Me: *puts head under pillow*

Wife: Maybe because she’s had three kids, all vaginal births? Do you know what that does to a vag?

Me: *thinks hard*

Wife: Exactly. I had two C-sections so I guess we probably don’t know.

Me: But isn’t an operation like that just another way for men to make women conform to their expectations?

Also me: Plus, if you have three vaginal births, isn’t a bit of a flappy vag just the price you pay?

Wife: *fixes me with stern gaze* YOU don’t pay the price, do you? The woman does. Imagine if it was men who had to give birth through their penises –

Me: Eh?

Wife: – and every time they did their penis would shrivel up and shrink a bit more. Yes, it would shrink a little after every delivery.

Me: Hey now –

Wife: Exactly. I bet Magic Wand willy restoration would be on the NHS.

Me: *pauses for moment of sober reflection* I’ve just lost this argument haven’t I?

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