merle oberon, melvin douglas, married, marriage, couple, man and wife, bed, what not to say in bed

The Mid Man: What not to say in bed

Sex. Are you able to throw off the cares of the world and transform your bedroom into a moshpit of saucy lust? Or do you lie there worrying that the bedside tables don’t match and that the boiler is playing up? We can all be forgiven for not quite remembering where our RAMPANT SEX BEAST switch is when we need it. What is less forgivable is the Freudian Sex Blurt. Yes – you read that right. The Freudian Sex Blurt is the hard-on slayer. Here are a few FSBs that women would do to avoid:

1. “Can we just watch one more episode of Big Little Lies?”

You’re on the sofa, two and half hours into your binge-watch, and you cannot pretend not to have noticed his erotic pawings. Well done. But you expect him to hold that mucky thought for another 54 minutes, do you? These man stirrings do not last – unaided – for an hour. Use it or lose it.

 2. “Actually, I think let’s just turn the lights off.”

He’s been working out. Got his biceps Nadal-fresh (he thinks). Waxed his shoulders. And is holding in his little belly especially hard. So you take one look at him and want to ‘go dark’. Oooh, bit harsh, that. He might actually be relieved, secretly? But still.

3. “Shit, the heating’s still on. Wait here.”

Sod the thermostat. Stuff the tweeting fire alarm. Never mind that it’s bins day tomorrow. Focus on the vision of he-sex before you. Anyway, bins are day after, doofus, cos of the Bank Holiday. Just check the chart I made for the fridge door… sexy, no?

4. “You have an M&S penis.”

OK, good, you’re at least concentrating on the matter in hand. But he’s going to want an explanation. “Reliable,” you say. “Dependable… it’s my go-to.” At least it’s not an Asda penis he supposes. Or a Poundland Penis.

5. “How about a bit of Kate Bush to get us in the mood?”

I know, he’s told you so many times that he loves Kate, that he can’t believe how extensive your back catalogue is, that yes, she really is the ultimate pop goddess. But you know in your heart he doesn’t mean it. And now’s not the time to get into that. Wuthering Heights will not get him to Wuthering Heights. More likely, it’ll have him running up that hill…

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