kungfu panda, meditation, meditate, relax, distracted

Are you mentally incontinent?

I have decided to become a person who meditates. This is how I meditate. I grab my phone to open the app. And then I…

Accidentally fall down a social media hole. How does 2017 Elizabeth Hurley still look like 1987 Elizabeth Hurley? Who has died to keep her looking young? Actually maybe if I put that face mask on while I meditate it will a) help, b) be more Elizabeth Hurley. *gets mask, puts it on, sits back down*

Start Googling the sudden and violent caterpillar infestation in my garden. Why are they here? What do they want? How bad is it karmically if I kill them?

Suddenly remember that thing that I had forgotten to write down to remember to do yesterday. Gosh meditating is so helpful. Writes thing down.

Shit, shit, shit, it’s so-and-so’s birthday. Calls so-and-so. So-and-so doesn’t answer. May even have ‘declined’ call.

Is so-and-so angry at me? Was it because of…*spends ten minutes thinking of all the possible things that have made so-and-so furious*

So-and-so calls. Spends 10 minutes talking to so-and-so. All fine

Sits back down. OK universe I am ready now. Sexy monk voice begins… “So take a moment to…”

Pauses meditation as need the loo.

While in the loo remembers face mask. Takes off mask. Begins forensic examination of pores. What the fuck has happened to my face? Elizabeth Hurley 2017 doesn’t have to put up with this shit.

Meditation window closes. Does not feel clearer, more present or in any way evolved. Meditation does not work.

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