We are not going to list all the glorious indignities of Midult-age, like pee maths and memory loss. Because we’ve forgotten them. But apart from thinking everything is cancer, and constantly worrying about things sprouting off/growing on my face, there is another issue that I am – quite suddenly – facing on a daily basis. At 11:45am every day, my stomach starts roaring. It’s not a gentle grumble, it’s like Victoria Falls. It’s excruciating for me, everyone and anyone. So not wanting to put any more pressure on our NHS with my petty, personal problem I did the grown-up thing. And Googled it.
Here’s what I learnt. The condition is called borborygmi which sounds like Hungarian dumplings but isn’t. Apparently the bowel sounds seem loudest to those experiencing them. Of this I am not convinced – that guy sitting next to me on the Central line looked pretty horrified. Anyway boorgobygmi (sp?), if you care, occurs because when we are awake, our intestines rhythmically move as our internal walls contract and relax to mix food with, how to put this, secretions and move it haltingly along. The occasional “peristaltic rush” may be heard as intestinal contents are moved a bit further/faster than normal. So it’s the peristaltic rush you can hear. Like a giant water slide. With a bit of a blockage. Nice.
Good news though. It’s probably nothing. Or rather the something that it is, is nothing to be alarmed about. Because it’s probably the apples I eat every day, damn you doctors. Research has it that certain sugars – fructose and sorbitol to be precise – increase stomach noises. So if you are similarly afflicted, avoid onions, artichokes, pears, wheat, apples, peaches, prunes, sugar-free sweets and chewing gum. Or just roll with the roars and have a damn sandwich.