Theresa May has given up salt and vinegar crisps for Lent. Because she’s one of us. Apparently. What have you given up?
Sugar: Well, refined sugar. You know, the bad kind. Not, like, honey. Or maple syrup. Or many, many, many smoothies. Or those ice lollies made with just fruit. Or popcorn at the cinema. Just the really toxic, evil sugar. Because it’s ageing, y’know. For the gut and the face and stuff.
Bad sex: Sex for sex’s sake is just not good enough anymore. Sex after a fight is not really healing it is just proving that we are not adult enough to find a resolution. And if I don’t fancy you then I won’t sleep with you. Unless I really, really feel like it. Or am drunk. I could just… suck it and see. Except I won’t. Unless I am drunk.
TV: Because it’s just chewing gum for the brain and I really feel that I get more from books. I’ve done an Amazon shop-up (I gave up Amazon for Lent last year for all the good, moral reasons but it was a disaster) and I have this amazing bucket list reading pile by my bed. I’ll just record things. And catch up later. Wish me luck. It’s only nearly SEVEN WEEKS.
Booze: Time to give my body a break. Instead of wine o’clock it’s going to be yoga o’clock and by the time Easter comes good habits will be in place. What? If there’s a wedding or a really, huge thing? Only one glass of red wine. Good for the joints. Just one.
Deliveroo: I hate how much food I waste. So unnecessary. I’m going to plan my meals and shop accordingly and I’ve already made a chart thing and deleted the app and I cook the same five things so now is the chance for me to increase my repertoire and really dig deep for those ten-a-day.
Instagram: Scrolling is DESIGNED to be addictive and I refuse to be manipulated any longer. My life is perfectly full and colourful – I do not need to see other people’s breakfasts or World Book Days to feel validated or part of the conversation. For the next nearly SEVEN WEEKS I am the conversation. I will be so enriched.
Good luck everyone.