knickers, pants, lingerie, washing line

What your knickers say about you

1. Bridget Jones massive pants

Sunday night, no make-up, big drink, Poldark on the telly, a takeaway and a fag. Cosy.

2. Sensible schoolgirl knickers from an M&S packet of three

No one would catch you with an empty fridge or wearing heels at the airport. You are the ‘in case of emergency’ choice of every single one of your friends, even the married ones. An absolute rock.

3. Expensive French knickers

No shame here if you get knocked over and the doctors have to snip your trousers off. Only deep admiration.

4. Boy shorts

You and your fantastic arse are bringing sass back like Moloko sang it back and Justin Timberlake brought sexy back. In fact, you’re taking sexy off him and bringing that back too #snap.

5. Neon g-string

You believe in unicorns. And so you should.

6. Thousand-wash-grey knickers you’ve had for years

Red-hot in the sack. No props or gimmicks needed here. You’ve got confidence to burn, haven’t you, you devastating vortex of awesomeness.

7. Hipsters with Disney princesses on them.

You got a First at Cambridge in Economics and are now one of the most high-powered people in the city on a seven-figure salary. Good to know you’ve got Snow White down your trousers when negotiating with Deutsche Bank, though.

8. Sports knickers.

You’ve been married for 20 years but you still think of your husband as your mega-cute boyfriend. These are the kinds of knickers he first got to know you in.

9. Polka-dot Brazilians

The go-to person for dirty jokes, advice on sex, recipes, divorce lawyers, babies that won’t sleep, herbal remedies, dog-training and the history of Imperial China.

10. No knickers

Particularly amusing on parent-teacher evenings/in board meetings.

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