kristen wiig, bridesmaids, something in teeth, food in teeth

I am the floss lady

Floss is my best friend. Hello floss, you look hot today. Let’s go. Floss comes with me everywhere. Floss is my most significant relationship. I can’t live without floss, because floss is the only thing between me and total humiliation. Except in the evenings when I prefer my TePe interdental brushes. But shhhhh don’t tell floss.

Since turning 40, everything gets stuck in my teeth. Everything. Has it changed the way I eat? Do I now hesitate over a sesame spinach salad for example? Hell no. Why not? Because I got floss. There is a Midult-y reason for all this trapped food and why, if I am particularly reckless with the eating (raspberries anyone?), I dash to the bathroom with my handy little box. According to The Sparkle Fairy, the brilliant mobile hygienist, it’s because “you’ve got more crowns, more bridges, more fillings, which take away natural contours of the teeth.”  This causes food-trapping. Nice.

And it certainly isn’t like the scene in Pretty Woman when she’s flossing and he thinks it’s drugs but it isn’t and few people surprise him. No it’s more like a mini massacre with food bits flying all over the mirror, and I will pee in front of most people but I won’t floss in front of anyone. It’s private, see?

So I don’t care if I lose my keys, my cards, my phone (this is actually a lie). But my floss? I spend more money on floss than I do on shoes. I am single-handledly keeping Oral-B in business (you can thank me later, guys). I love you floss.

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