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How to have safe slap

Use a condom to put on your foundation. You read that right. Rubber Johnnies make your foundation go on more smoothly. Sponges just absorb it all. What a waste! Think of the money you’ll save. You know, by wiping a condom all over your face. Let’s keep the vibe high.

We have beauty vlogger Laila Tahri to thank for this discovery. Although *how* she discovered this is not something we should perhaps investigate. In its intended context, the condom is not something one normally looks at and thinks, “Observing this condom filled by my boyfriend in the manner in which it was designed has made me realise putting a make-up sponge inside it and then wiping it over my face would work too.” It’s doubtful.

You’ll be glad to hear that Laila advises washing the condom first. To get off ‘the stuff’. It’s a new condom, obviously (struggling to keep the vibe high, actually) and ‘the stuff’ is the slippery, lubey stuff, not… OK, let’s move on quickly – and then she puts her sponge in the condom. At this point, it looks like the brick in the stocking that Kate Winslet used to bludgeon her friend’s parents to death with in Heavenly Creatures. But then the magic happens. “It blends out so beautifully!” Laila gushes, tapping the condom-sponge over her face. “Nothing is wasted!”

When you’ve finished, you and your now perfect face can just wash the condom and use it again. FOR YOUR FACE. Not… We’re getting into dubious territory again here, arrgh. To think of all those years you wasted listening to your boyfriend after boyfriend grumbling about ‘feeling less’, while you grumbled back, “I’m having plastic sex too, you know,” and yet STILL managing to contract Chlamydia, when you could have been using them to improve your contouring and highlighting. At least you now have the chance to put that right. Watch how easily it slides on – OK, this is hopeless.

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