count, dracula, counting, numbers, sesame street

How many people have you slept with?

No one should ask this question. It’s a silly question. It means nothing. And everybody lies except the weirdos. So here are some weapons to add to your arsenal:

  1. Close your eyes and start counting out loud. Don’t stop. When you open your eyes again (give it a good few minutes) you should be alone.
  2. “But – I’m not married, (sound shocked and confused) so, no one. Obviously.”
  3. “I don’t know, I don’t have the spreadsheet on me.”
  4. Quote Descartes: “Perfect numbers, like perfect men, are very rare.”
  5. “What? Including your brother? And your dad?”
  6. “I mean, that’s like asking me to name everything I’ve ever eaten in a restaurant. Not everything is memorable enough.”
  7. “Somewhere between nine and nineteen. Or ninety. There’s definitely a nine involved. Or maybe a 6. Hmmm…”
  8. “Does it have to include premature ejaculaters and ‘put-ins’?”
  9. “More than Kate Middleton, less than Kate Moss
  10. “More than you’d think. Unless you were thinking it was a lot. In which case, fewer than that.”
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