saturday night live, snl, kristen wiig, hmmm, frustrated, hurry up

How to hurry things the f*** up

Who has time? It’s not 1996, is it? And yet there are still so many dawdlers and ramblers at every tiny crossroad in the day. People who think it’s OK to call you on the phone. Neanderthals who think that you might have the space for a conversation. That neighbour who wants to stop-and-chat, all relaxed… just taking things slowly. The person at the coffee counter. The guys armed with the holiday/baby/wedding photos. Sometimes we just need to wrap things up. Call time. Hurry things the hell up, keep things moving*… and sometimes you might just need to terrify them into submission (*One Midult we know tries to only speak while moving. If you don’t stop…)

  1. Can I just stop you there? Because I can see this is a conversation I’d adore to have when we have more time.
  2. I’m so sorry to ask but how long do you think this’ll take? I mean, I have a 30-second window now if you like? Sorry make that 15.
  3. My phone battery is about to die. So if it suddenly cuts….
  4. Tell you what, why don’t you put this in an email?
  5. Oh God, did I leave the bath running?
  6. Is there anything I can do to help speed this up? *smiles*
  7. My New Year’s Resolution is to have more time on my own. Really it’s for everyone else’s safety because I’m not so good when I feel CROWDED.
  8. Have you read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People? I think you’d find it really helpful.
  9. Holy fuck is that the time?
  10. Desperate to pee.
  11. I voted leave.
  12. *Bark*
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