Tag famous people in comments on other people’s photos
Like you know them. ‘LOL @reesewitherspoon, this is so you.’ ‘Remember the time we got this drunk @KendallJenner? ‘I think this dress would really suit you @badgalriri – you know how I always say you look good in white.’ ‘Arrrgh, what should I get my mother for her birthday @kaiagerber??? You know her better than me!’
Sexy underwear selfies
Erotically posed photos of you in your knickers, but pretending it’s about something else: ‘This new deodorant I bought really works and it’s organic.’/’Loving my new necklace.’/‘So tired, going to get an early night.’
Not the funny ones where it’s a line from Withnail and I or a stupid Nineties pop band. Something serious – like you miming a line from Adele’s ‘Hello’ with no irony or from 12 Years a Slave while making it clear that you think you are a very good actor.
Pretend you’re on holiday and post outrageous pictures you nicked off the internet when you are actually just at work
Everyone knows Instagram allows us to create a false narrative about our lies, so why not fake a holiday? Here you are in Bora Bora: ‘I mean, this beach!!! #NoFilter‘. An hour later, here you are in Rome: ‘Always so humbled when I see Piazza San Pietro #CiaoBello’. Later that day, here you are in New York: ‘I wanna wake up in a city that doesn’t sleep! #ANumberOne #TopOfTheHeap’
Start posting pictures of famous couples where you have superimposed your head onto the famous woman’s body
‘To win an Oscar and be honoured by my peers like that… wow.’/‘I had to be sewn into that dress!!!!’/‘Taken before me and Brad broke up’
‘Like’ every single one of a friend’s photos in one go. Very late at night
It’s exciting when you check in with Instagram and see a whole slew of likes. Until you realise they are all from one person and it feels somehow that it doesn’t really count. Especially if they were ‘liked’ at 3am, suggesting the person was drunk. Give the gift of the creepy multiple like surprise to a friend.