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How to be a grown-up at work

As we all know, one of the startling realities of getting older is realising that you are yet to feel like a grown-up. However, there is no need to share this discovery with anyone at work, especially if you are in a position of responsibility/have to look after large sums of money/give presentations to real grown-ups. Here’s how to hide your dirty secret:

  1. When someone is being a dick, it’s normal to want to reply to their stupid suggestions with something along the lines of, “Fuck you.” When someone is being a dick at work, you should respond with, “OK, great” and tell yourself that it’s a secret language for ‘Fuck you’ because that’s what a mature person would do.
  2. Don’t try and be everyone’s friend. You don’t want to end up like one of those teachers who was all pally and ‘Call me by my first name’ and who you then walked all over and had no respect for. You’re supposed to be in control here.
  3. Equally, don’t be a tyrant. You don’t want to end up like one of those school bullies who was a major bitch just because she was insecure. We already have Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un. The world’s arsehole cup runneth over, OK?
  4. Looking at Facebook on your work computer is asking for trouble. Everyone will see that you’re commenting on your friend’s post about Tom Hardy catching that moped thief and making a citizen’s arrest instead of working on your presentation. Be sensible (and look at it on your phone so no one knows).
  5. Work parties are not parties. Getting pissed at work parties opens you up to all kinds of potential hazards e.g. crying about your ex-boyfriend to your boss/speaking incomprehensibly to one of the interns about how to be successful/puking/passing out. It’s boring, yes, but so is being mocked for having a photocopier-related sex injury.
  6. Don’t take things too personally. Flying into a sulk because your work has been criticised is probably not something you should indulge in beyond the age of about ten. It’s only work. It shouldn’t suck your soul out of your body every time you hit a bump in the road.
  7. Try not to over share medical problems. Your menstrual cycle/insomnia/hangover may be all consuming, but does everyone need to know how many tampons you’re getting through/you’re so tired you can hear colours/Oh God, might be sick, Oh God?
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