work, masturbation, break

Have a break. Have a…

Have you ever had a wank at work? I only ask because a newspaper recently asked some experts (seems we haven’t had enough of them yet, Michael Gove) about the benefits of masturbation and they unanimously agreed that it would be good for morale, motivation and focus. Just a quick – insert as appropriate – minute break and boom we can be back at our desks all doe-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready for the next task at hand. In far better shape than post fag-break which is what we all used to sneak off for. Soon we’ll be beating off the opposition, climaxing in a promotion/pay rise. Maybe this is what we have been missing all these years.

Or perhaps this is not for you. In which case here are some other things you could do during the endorsed wank window:

  • Read all the plots of movies you haven’t seen and are never going to see so that you at least know what everyone else is talking about during the endless award season
  • Do the teeniest tiniest bit of exercise – like 20 burpees or a 40-second plank
  • Send off your application for a new job (you’re clearly working with a load of wankers)
  • Eat
  • Get a cup of coffee
  • Go on Zoopla and check out house prices in your area (if you enjoy pain, clearly)
  • Order tonnes of stuff from Zara that you will naturally send back (SUCH a brilliant returns system)
  • Lie down and close your eyes. DO NOT meditate
  • Phone a friend – hopefully they won’t answer, but still, you’ve called
  • Go outside. Look at the sky. Come back in
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