I am holding two devices in my hand – my sleek iPhone and a sleek sex toy. Should I check Instagram or have an orgasm? I hesitate because, while I am a bit of a slut on social media, I am a vibrator-virgin. At 41.
Some boys once gave me an enormous plastic thingy for my 16th birthday. I never used it. Chic Coco de Mer sex toys designed by someone channelling Zaha Hadid passed me by. The Rabbit scampered past me too. And to be honest I don’t think I was ever really good at masturbating. I find it tricky, like meditating. I am in no way a solitary person, I like company. But I think that maybe, now that I am a grown-up, I should give it a proper go.
So I bought one from new sex toy range Perlesque – #alwaysapleasure. It’s a star in a reasonably priced vibrator – £40. It’s very Christian Grey – in that it is highly sexualised and, erm, grey. (There the comparison ends.) It’s also very smart looking. I might not even mind if airport security confused it with a weapon and brandished it to the quivering-with-impatience line at Luton.
Reader, I tested it. The Artemis Power Vibe – which sounds like a women’s empowerment summit (and, in some ways, is) is actually a vibrating, silicone-coated shaft. I felt an idiot, lying on the bed, lights on, in case you were wondering. And we got right down to it. No preliminaries. A bit of buzzing – and then quite suddenly an intense, amazing explosion. I lay on my bed absolutely astounded. Oh yes, it was good for me. And for the Artemis? The whole point is that it’s so relaxing to be able to say: ‘Who cares?’