marley and me, jennifer aniston, owen wilson, dog, excuse, fail safe, catch all, get out, exit strategy

How to get out of almost anything

Claustrophobia

Is there anything more useful? We’re not sure. This will get you out of camping, caravanning, the Underground, sharing a bed, sitting in the middle of a banquette (*starts sweating*), changing rooms, leggings, big queues, complicated underwear. “I’m claustrophobic.” That’s all.

Allergies

Gosh, you look a little stressed/teary/mental asks a concerned someone. “It’s just my allergies?” Not “I am having a mini breakdown, can’t sleep, hate all my clothes, mislaid my phone for at least a second and have been crying at the therapist’s for 50 minutes.” See? ‘Allergies’ is better.

IBS

Sorry I can’t eat your terrible dinner, all those carbs, go to that restaurant, eat out, go out, see anyone ever again. It’s my IBS.

Love Island

This excuse is so hot right now. And will expire soon– but at the moment everyone understands. As in: I can’t go to your concert, lecture, networking thing. Because Love Island. Dangerously obsessed. Filthy habit.

The Dog

I can’t leave the dog/bring the dog/sorry, the dog. The dog the dog. And if I do come, all I will talk about is the dog. The dog the dog. So sorry. The dog. (You will become so boring about the dog so no one will want to see you but that’s OK because then it can be just you and the dog.)

Mercury is in retrograde

It is*. So I can’t make any big decisions, otherwise the universe will slam me down like the girls from the wrestling team in Glow. (*It isn’t. Until the 12th August but no one need know) Also brace yourself for the 12th. Whether or not you believe in horoscopes, Mercury is a bastard.

Hormones

Pre-hormonal, during-hormonal, post-hormonal, peri-menopausal, actually menopausal, full moon hormonal, totally out of your sodding mind hormonal. Flash your period tracker app or send a screen grab at someone saying, “See, see, see.”  No one ‘really’ understands what they are looking at, so watch as your evening/lunch/work out vanishes into blissfully thin air. Your time is now your own. Enjoy the sofa. You are welcome.

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