We’re often told that women lie on their online dating profiles, but as I have discovered, men do too. Over the past few years I’ve been on an awful lot of first dates. Some lovely, many forgettable, a few absolute horrors when men have been utterly and excruciatingly economical with the truth. And yes, the following really, really did happen…
- Alan said he was working in conflict resolution after a long period of what he called ‘time out’. I was imagining humanitarian or government work in the Middle East. Not that he’d actually killed someone in a fight and spent the last 25 years in jail. Yup, stabbed another human being through the heart. This was probably the most definitive deal breaker. Ever.
- I had my suspicions when Barney said he was in his early fifties in spite of having a grandson and being retired. But I, you know, went with it. Turned out he was at least sixty-five, six inches shorter than me and had a jet black comb-over that did little to conceal bright white roots. His profile picture, I realised, must have been taken some time in the 90s.
- Alluringly attractive from his pictures, Colin had foul breath. As in the most stinking, doggy halitosis ever. Obviously he suffered from a medical condition, I know, I know, but still… I nearly retched as he leaned forward to give me a friendly peck on the cheek. Honestly though, it makes you think, what kind of best friends did he have? Why had no one TOLD him?
- Gorgeous smile and plenty of flirty banter over our candlelit dinner, Duncan seemed promising. Artfully concealed beneath his expensively tailored pinstripe suit however, was a pair of the most ginormously womanly hips. We’re not talking lovable little festive belt here. Sort of explodingly enormous. Which I only discovered when I went in for the farewell, maybe see you again, snog. Or maybe not. Oh alright, full disclosure: I shagged him. I am not proud of this.
- Who even thinks of bringing their child along on a first date? Eddy, it seems, who was worried that his 7-year-old daughter had just had a row with his ex-wife and was ‘a little bit upset’. Like I cared? He cancelled our reservation for dim sum in Chinatown in favour of Mini Mojos, Andy Pandy mash and strawberry smoothies at the the Rainforest Cafe. To cheer her up. I was cool with that. No, I wasn’t.