The There’s Nothing Wrong With You Syndrome
You are lying there in perfectly good health. But everything hurts or feels off, somehow. But you know, oh you do know, that if you actually managed to get an appointment with a doctor they would find nothing really wrong with you. So you don’t bother calling the surgery (who will tell you that there are no appointments for three weeks but you cannot book one more than three weeks in advance) and just sit stoically with your ‘There’s Nothing Wrong With You’ syndrome.
The Surely This Isn’t My Life Syndrome
One minute everything is seemingly hunky dory. You know where all your Breton tops are (bien sûr) and you have calculated the exact time it takes to leave the house, grab a coffee from the cute coffee truck guy and get to work on time without breaking a sweat. The spring in your step resembles that of one of those women in those panty liner adverts, who can do anything. The next minute, you are in a heap, unable to get off the sofa and crying into a dodgy-smelling novelty tea towel saying, “Surely this isn’t my life.”
The Itchy Feet Syndrome
No wanderlust here. But actually itchy feet. Really itchy. Wake up in the middle of the night itchy. Is this because you are basically a Hobbit now? All hairy and flat-footed and quite wanting some meaningful jewellery.
The Accidental Hangover Syndrome
Grown-up hangovers are killers and take planning and a girding of the loins. You know this. But every now and then you have half a glass of pink wine and the next day the world feels like it’s ending. And you start to really, really panic. Is this cancer? Then you go into the kitchen and realise that you may have had more than half a glass.
The How Am I Supposed To Deal With This Syndrome
An internal email comes through and it’s Geoff who runs the intranet (is that really a thing, Geoff?) and you basically want to kill him but this would be disapproved of. You think: Boudicca wouldn’t have put up with this SHIT. But you are an adult and the being an adult part of being an adult is making you all syndrome-y.
The I Am Incredibly Rich, Oh No I Am Not Syndrome
For a nano second, you throw your card on to the table and say, “I’ll pay” and you instantly regret it. You would do anything, anything to take the card back, but it’s done now and you have to remind yourself again that this syndrome is UNHELPFUL.
The Is This It Syndrome
You have a happy thought, a happy moment. You feel full to the brim with vim and joy and… are you actually skipping? And then immediately after the syndrome hits: was that it? The happiest you will ever be? IS THIS IT?