Thanks 2018, you’ve been real.
In the polyester dress
You had a thing. You bought a dress. It looked GREAT. But suddenly you are sweating and the fabric is less breathable, more flammable. Your entire body is leaking. You briefly consider putting sanitary pads under your armpits.
Interview and little wee
Trying to take a really good insta shot
Cleansing oil in the eye
Need all the oil to combat the flaky. Need to be drenched in it. Just think dewy dewy dewy. But oh no, it’s on your contact lens and now you are seeing everything in sting-y soft focus. All day.
No explanation required. However you will need to carry a jacket, and possibly a polo neck and all-over waterproof things and spare t-shirts, tights and socks with you at all times.
When you ate too much
Maybe it was the chilli ice cream. Or maybe the doughnuts. Or the side of aloo gobi and the shared chicken tikka. Maybe it was the 3/4/5 caramel biscuit things. But there here you are. It’s 2am and no one is sleeping until you’ve digested.
When you missed a step
So you might have been on your phone – whatever, you weren’t concentrating. But you think, ‘I am a grown woman and I have been walking for YEARS. I am good at walking.’ Nevertheless you miss a step on the underground or the escalator or getting off the pavement and into an Uber and you’ve only gone and humiliated yourself/winded yourself/broken your back.
Not that you are drowning in new shoes. Just, it’s stopped raining for five minutes and you are breaking out your new Stan Smiths and within ten minutes holy fuck will you ever walk again? And they are not even heels. Who even are you these days?
When you fell asleep on the sofa during McMafia
One minute you were trying to detect emotion on James Norton’s face, next minute you wake up and you have lost all sensation in your arm. For an instant you think STROKE but then the tingling starts and you know you are being punished for not being able to follow the plot/stay awake past 9:30.